"Your child will experience": What young people really think

Posted by: Newswalle

It is so unfair. No one understands you. People really have no idea what they claim to do all the time. About everything. Everyone will orexchanges patronized knowing glances when you want something really important things to say. Nobody sees you as a person as a kind of generic bubble butjust. No one is there when you feel so alone. No one is there when you discover something completely foreign in the world. No one is there when youare tired to fetch the remote control. No one really know how boring it all is laid.

This is what it feels like to be the father of ateenager. Not all the time. Party time. Ican't say how, but I can assure you that you will probably do it all wrong. There are experts in adolescence, apparently. There are manuals that are in order, if one accepts that only to change the attitudes of young people until the lights go on and off. Teens are bracketed with children to specific user manuals. This seems in bad taste, but no one these days seems to be in need of a little-silent cognitive behavioral therapy. Strange, I think young people – uh, as we adults – everyone is different.

I am currently in my third teenager (she is 13 and my oldest are in their 20s), but the truth is, I'm in my room. Me! It was ateenager. It is this more than anything my parents informed experience. To Iknow practically formed as a person for 14 years, and I have not changed much since then. This can be a good thing, or Dept. His relationship with his teenage son often intervenes in the relationship you have with your own adolescence. So many irrational fears, hopes and denials come from nowhere.

So if your child begins the journey to separate from you, you can react in all sorts of weird ways. You as a parent can suddenly feel out of control. By itself, as well as your child.

Many people seem eager what is seen as kicking adolescent behavior long before theteen year about 10 that I mean the stereotypical way that we define this phase. Will it, sarcastic, the need to be alone sometimes, worry too much about the included or by specific groups, demandingthe impossible excluded because they too sensitive, easily offended, and inexplicably angry. All this stupid things. None of these behaviors at any age group, but we tend to somehow always exaggerated and over the top to see the emotional lives of young people there.

The intensity of this time of life is something that we try to grow, and secretly envy. Once, one of my daughters ifound crying in her room. What was the problem? "Mom, Iwant to be the same as everyone else, but I want to stand out and away from them, too," – a very good encapsulation of a feeling that never leaves us. And that is larger than the line about the messy bedroom, the house as a hotel, smoking, drinking, friends. For the Technicolor glory of this time is difficult to live with a parent. Their demands are in black and white. Clear. Stop pushing all boundaries. Yes, the school bloody boring – just get through it. Their demands are alive. Iwant to be a star. I want to change the world. Iwant unconditional love. I hate you. I want to take risks. I want to be sure. I want to be free.

I can only say after the hard way have learned is to choose your battles. The fact that everything can be an argument, does not mean it has to be. The things you fear are the things you have done. Sex, drugs, piercings, tattoos. (Worse tattoos, but it's too late.)

Most of us will not die of a messy room, but it's nice to think that their children are civilized enough to live with someone. Basic manners are always welcome. What remains key, however, is the need for children to carve out a separate identity from you. "Teenagers", although relatively new identity of the young people who were born the disposable income in the 1950s. Is currently the subject of a globalized industry. Our children are consumed by him. We who buy most of it for them, often we say that is useless.

They are also under pressure from a relentless education system that puts to the test by deafness. You have to worry about money and employability, and act like you are too busy to notice, Snapchatting all the talk about theend of the world, the end of social mobility, the end of the antibiotics that are happening around them. His transgressions can virally, but still in the country undetected as parents of the techthe especially children to be messed with. We thought they were from the street because of pedophiles, and now we are afraid that they see online risks.

Neuroscience is on wheels to explain adolescent behavior reductive. Using brain scans to determine explain the activities of culture – risk taking – the parts of the brain do not mature until later identified. The frontal and parietal lobes for planning and self-control is responsible, the bits that can not imagine the consequences of their actions, it is said that in some teenangers not be fully formed. This speaks of the father angrily. When did your thing amassive sweetpea be grumpy? Why all the arguments go 0-60 without change gear in the middle? Why do you compare your baby with the best parents of her boyfriend and you feel like a clown miserable caring? When your brain actually, then well, it's not their fault at all.

Actually, it's heart and mind and is enormously complicated – as we are. How AParent in this phase is a constant negotiation between securely stored and sent them away. We are not good to let go, and in my experience, we are also very poor risk assessors. One of my children has almost dying to go to festivals very young, but by an accident in a 'healthy' cycling holiday. Her sister also came close to death, not because they get fed organic carrots, but because he had meningitis. My worst fears were almost incidents that could not predict realized, it is not surprising Ibecame laissez-faire of the things that I could.

Why do you have a mess Flappy worry that you will go to 02.00 clock home? What will they do, then you are not made before midnight? What doyourself?

I wish we could all use less hard on yourself. Breathing and realize that it fails. I hurt about the things that were important to them, concerned Ihave selfish, I felt and not seen how they have done it. My fantasies in the world of young people are not theirs. I have girls, but I know it is not easy for children. All children can a monstrous time.

If the child is still young, they need you and you know what to do. Teens evenappear you do not need or like you, but you have half available to be like them. This often coincides with a time in your life when you have the feeling that earn more freedom. What brings you by? For me, this is Iremain love with intensity, urgency. To be with someone, such as the adult world seen quite wonderful. I love how totally impressed and cynical my children have a minute, but the next overwhelmed by a vine of a gerbil on a bridge.

I often think they are right and wrong, and that adults in order to convince them of what we are afraid of us. I have other times fear for them. But I always – as I wanted at all stages of the life of my children – they can remain as they are. Never change. Then Isee my older children, adolescents, and not at all, but the people who like not only love, but very good. Which is ultimately the only thing that counts. And sometimes it was difficult to follow the footsteps in the middle of adolescence.

"If you think a friend is not good for us, we still have to find out for ourselves": Mariama Bojang, 14 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

Sometimes parents need to give your teenagersa tothink little more freedom and understanding. If you are unsure, then more independent wefeel andgrown-up, so we go back home happy, rather than sitting on the phone all night. Wearealso grateful, so we will not spoil it all, and we were able to do our work. My mom checked on me when I do. With my friends, but only five seconds, and then she feels comfortable Not a nice feeling that someone thinks you're a liar, so I want you to know I'm okay.

Some parents put their teenagers under too much pressure. I have friends who say their parents have an A on a test, and his parents ask why there is not an A *. My mother knows that I always do my best and that's good enough for them. I trust her and I am very proud.

I am involved with the Reclaim Project in Manchester (reclaimproject.org.uk) – is questioned for young people in the north-western stereotypes and make youth leaders. We meet every month and we do something like talk or help the elderly, and my confidence has really improved. There was talk earlier because girls Iwouldn't Iassumed not together, but I can now talk to them.

My mother works at Starbucks. I'vegot abrother and two older sisters, but only me and mymum and sister at home. The best advice my mother ever gave meisto proud of me and what Iam doing. Where I come from, that's fine, but sometimes people canmake judgments about people who live here. My mother always tells me, proud and wellturned out to be.

Parents also need to realize that not all teenagers are rebels. But when we make mistakes, we learn that'show. My mother sees threats where there are none. Even if you think a friend may not be good for us to find out ourselvessometimes wehaveto.

"The battle that never win mode": Katie Adamson, 13 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

When I go out to my mother makes – all details that will be there, right where we want to know go. The parents take care of us the time with people who do not know, but do not know all your friends, so it is not surprising that all of mine are known. My advice would be: Ask the children for a few details, make sure that at least one person you know will be there, and the time you come back, but then you give them a little freedom.

The parents do not understand how young people use technology. My father is getting a jump on me for my BlackBerry click, which means I can not put my friends in the text. I bought this with my own money – if you do not like the click, you should buy me a new phone! Snapchat organize and BBM – no one uses Facebook more because parents can see that.

Out a lot. My parents were upset – they say I play when I organize times to pick up or be sold, but to change the plans, and if not, let me public transport … If you take me out, I 'm much happier and I am better.

The Battle parents is never going to win fashion. We always have different tastes. I like to wear blouses and my father, Katie! We should have the opportunity to try a dress for a party and see how we feel in them. When I go to buy clothes with my own money, Ishould be allowed to make my own mistakes. Fashion sense Mom's fine, but there are some things … Imean, why should I take your mother cheetah? I do not want to show it, but it should be something that feels wear well, and so should I.

For me, the secret of a happy young is giving them the space and freedom – without it no fun and happiness. But you also have to find common ground – with my father, I look at the thriller; with my mother, Downton Abbey. It is good, something that you can come back.

"If you must do something, do not keep talking about it," Faris Gohir 13 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

I was always told by my mother, she gives me this very long conversations. Seriously, are so long that at the end of them can not even remember what we are talking about. When it comes to my father, he is much shorter and easier. To tell you the truth, my mother is softer than my father – my father is scary – but I still have quite scolded by my father. Do not send your children to sleep with a conference – if you shout, the less we will remember what it was.

My mother is very worried about my future. She is an activist for the rights of women, and I always say, do not worry, I will not be arapist, I will not be aTaliban, I will not be an alcoholic. I do not know why you do not worry – it's just how parents are. I am sure that their parents worried about them, too. Iwant to know what to do – I want to do computer – so I'm not too worried about the future.

I ask my parents for help when I need help with my work. Once, years ago, he was bullied in school, and helped my mother, it sorted.

My advice to parents that if you want something that does not always want to go over it, just say it once. If you say so often, just do not feel like it. And if you punish your children, I would say stop playing computer games or take her cell phone – young people use their phones to text their friends all the time, and if you are away, they will learn his mistake. My parents have my games console was immediately when I get in trouble, that is, I get bored, so does work.

Sometimes parents try to get their children and things go wrong. After my mother send me text messages and doing all this youth language. Iwas thinking, what's wrong? Someone stole my phone mother? Ifound quite rare.

"My mother will ask:" Is that your girlfriend: Olly Reeves, 16 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

I'm in the Brit School, but my mother is not a mother aggressive scenario – she says if Iwant to be an actor when I grow up, it's me and do it. I was always a dramatic child: If Ididn't want to eat my vegetables, I would just throw it on the floor and called a drama queen to be.

If I go to a party, mother wants me to call her when I'm there, after an hour when I go. She says she wants me to have my independence, and then remove it when ordering the phone number where I go. They want you to get a job, but they will not let you stay afriend in the house. Young people are hypocritical about it, too: our need for independence changes from minute to minute.

Arguments can accumulate over silly little things, and technology is a very big deal. I need to put my homework aside and my mother in the registry. Then when I close my door and I'm on my laptop, it maintains about what you might do online.

She has influenced me with his drive and passion, but it can be embarrassing as well. If I with my friends, trying to see through when I do. With one of them You could still be at home, ask their shoes, and it is: "Is that your girlfriend?" She asks random questions about my social life. Probably editing my life for you: just do not seem to speak of the wrong people.

My mother says things like, "If I'm not here, no one is going to able to run your bath." Parents are concerned about our independence. Probably because they know that they have to grow up, and are in some ways, they worry that they turninto.

"You have to realize that your child will experience": Matt Mapother, 17 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

Remind parents as they grew up and I think that's still the same, but it is not. Well, most young people have mobile phones, making it easier to stay in touch. As for the stranger danger, children are mature enough these days – they know that if someone is not right. Alcohol and drugs are clearly a problem. When I in the seventh year, we never talked about drugs, but now I am more than 12 years, I know that the younger children are using drugs and that makes you think, do not know their parents? It is definitely something that parents should talk, but you also have to realize that your child is experiencing. All you can do is ensure that they are aware of the consequences. You can not go anywhere with your child; they can not take care of through the years.

I can what to do with school to talk to my parents about anything. If iwas bullied, talked to my mother and my father, and resolved. Iwas afraid to talk about it, it could be worse makeit, but if you have someone to assure you, you think you can clear your head and clear. As you grow, your friends to your second parents, but when things get out of hand, your parents have the final say.

Sex. Well, it has to be spoken. I was in the seventh year, on my computer, when my mother and father came to talk to me about it. Was cringey. I was embarrassed as hell. But now that I'm older, I'm glad I did the interview. Parents should talk with their children about sex, but do not be alarmed not go into detail. Ihad already the mechanics learned in school; My parents spoke with someone. They told me to make sense, I take risks. I noticed that they made faith in me, making me look better: until her IHAD.

It's all about balance. They need to know that you are talking to their parents about everything. Parents need to trust their teens to do the right thing but still be if they do not step back and for them.

"There's a lot of pressure on us in the form of money" Hassit Loren Corbett, 16 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

I am studying broadcast and digital media in the Brit school, and I work as a hostess in the future. I've always been of the less academic. My sister is a year older and already thinking about the college you are.

My parents always gave me much support. The most annoying thing they do is Badger me to get a job – it's almost like they always ask is, that I do not. My father worked in the market at 11, and gave me a good work ethic. I had a job at the bakery when I was younger, but it is not practical to do my GCSE and have ajob and social life at the same time. I'm going to get a job in September.

Parents do not understand the pressure on young people in terms of money. My mother is very old, and when I was young, was only Sunday, and two or three other teams. I have many, but I want more. Shops updating their collections all the time and my mother does not understand that you have the new look. We paddled for pocket money: spend it on travel, cinema tickets, go to see friends, and is gone – then I see a new cover for the 15 it was much easier for my parents when they were teenagers ..

It is the pressure now body image, too. I'm pretty open with my mother about such things, but if I say I have a lot of cellulite, he says, you have to stop: with what you happy. She says Iwish I was like you, you're so lucky young. I mean, with respect, not young you are, and I'm not sure about this. When I say I want to go in the ashake diet, or have fitness trainers say you do not need money to be healthy. They say we will not promote diets, there is always healthy to eat in the house. One in five of my friends has an eating disorder, and most of them can not talk about it to their parents.

My parents are pretty back, but put think I go, and my father always asks: "Will there be boys there?" I faster with them than it should be angry, but it should be about his commitment. If parents are given advice, be honest with your children, if there is evidence of hypocrisy, we will suffer.

"Parents think that all technology is bad, but can be used for productive things": Elliot Miller, 15
Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

Some parents think that their teens are wasting their time, especially in electronic devices and social networks. My parents are worried about it because I use the computer a lot, but I do not think about all they have – have taught me how to limit, so Iknow when I stop and something more productive.

Sometimes parents need to embrace the new technology a bit more – it's a thing that does not seem to understand. They believe that all technology is bad, but Twitter and Facebook can be used for productive things, too. Do not attempt to communicate with your child on Facebook, though. Well, this is ano no. When this happens to one of my friends, his name is the kick of every joke for the rest of the day.

From a young age my parents encouraged me have to work hard, and even though you may have set not good, I've learned thatif you work hard now, you can enjoy later. For me, things like homework, young people have just do it and then they will have no problems. Me, my parents talk a lot about the job – they are supportive and know that if I struggled a bit, and that's really helpful.

In general, people need to be less negative about teenagers. We could be at the bus stop or outside McDonald, andpeople give us dirty looks. They assume that we are involved in illegal activities. Not that they tell us nothing, it's what they say. You do not know us, or we to engage in conversation, but they have to judge us. There are a lot of negative stereotypes about young people – we are lazy, we spend our time online – and it's a misunderstanding: I know most young people work hard and want to achieve. It's about communication, really. The more we communicate, the more they will disappear these stereotypes and we can build better relationships.

"Bullying happens, but it is often only unwise": Katt Weaver, 16 Photo: Frederike Helwig for the Guardian

One of the things that parents worry about, especially with the girls, that is, when you go out or wear provocative clothing. It might be more helpful if the children how to behave with girls, instead she said it. In school, not really learn enough about politics or equality – I know a lot of people who are sexist.

Parents are afraid to be ourselves online, but young people have grown up with the Internet: It is easy to talk to each other. Bullying occurs, but is often hazardous and non-vindictive. And there is not much parents can do about it. If you think your child is depressed, you should be worried, but I think most of this material online is not real. On Twitter, the girls say, "Oh, I'd be thinner", but I'm serious.

What parents should worry about is money. In school we learn about anything, and is something we need to know. When you leave school, you do not understand what stuff costs theimplications.

Parents need to make their own decisions about college youth. It is so expensive that it is not worth pushing to make the law, I wanted right.

You should to teens casual, not to speak all evil and exaggerated the problem. For things such as drinking water, everyone does. No new thing and it's just part of being Ateen. Despite what the media says, young people are not bad. We have goals and know about current issues and how we change things. You can not the news, but to find things on the internet.

My only advice to parents would be to set limits with your child, but also make them leave their thing. Make sure you know, instead of saying that they can not do something. Do not be too strictly not be, because then young people would not. I know people who have gone this route. Once it starts to farther away and then there is no turning back.

"Talk to your child, not only to give them money to go '. Craig Elliott, 15 Craig and Sophie Elliott Photo: Christopher Thomond for the Guardian

I have to do tests. After the first, my father took me to tea. It was great to have some time for father and son. I think parents should do, even if only to ask to the left as something, or if you need help. The first time when I sat down to check, I thought I would take to clean my room. Sure I was procrastinating, but Ithink my mother was very happy.

Parents always worry about their child the wrong group, but maybe they want to be popular or not enough attention at home. It is important that adults get individual time with their parents.

It bothers me when my sister, who is younger to get to bed at the same time I have to go. Not even a teenager when the guilt of the other and to speak with them guilt, not just give them money to go to. Take some time and listen to them. If your parents are interested, you can given a real boost.

"It helps that we sat around the table to eat our tea": Sophie Elliott, 13

Parents need to think about how things wondering and see how they can help. Not every day – we are talking about when we are ready. My mother asks me, "Have you met a nice guy today?" There is no selling point – since yesterday, nothing has changed.

My mother and I had pats agirly night and it was great: we talk about everything. Things that parents should probably worry are the arguments, body image and even friends.

Another thing parents should know that if there are problems, do not pretend that all is well. Tell us what happened and make sure that we know is not our fault. It helps that the four of us sat around the table to eat our tea. Young people think that parents do not know everything, but they know more than you think and can help.

• Interviewsby andDominic Smith Alexandra Topping